when i woke up today
i wasn't me
i feel like a little girl
with nothing to think of, no anxiety
in a saturday morning

and oddly everything and anything is reminding me of death today
and it's still 10:54 am..
i'm in my bed under my blanket listening to this song
like i have this irremediable disease
and i'm dying.. slowly.. peacefully.. happily.. and
fully.

i remembered "American Beauty"s ending scene..
when Kevin Spacey died:



"I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die.

First of all,
that one second... isn't a second at all.

It stretches on forever,
like an ocean of time.

For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp,
watching falling stars.

And yellow leaves from the maple trees...
that lined our street.

Or my grandmother's hands and the way her skin seemed like paper.

And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand-new Firebird.

And Janie... and Janie.

And... Carolyn.

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me,
but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world.

Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once and it's too much.
My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst.

And then I remember to relax...
and stop trying to hold on to it.

And then it flows through me Iike rain,
and I can't feel anything but gratitude...
for every single moment of my stupid little life.

You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure.

But don't worry.

You will someday."