It was about this time that a dramatic change happened inside of me.
I could suddenly see a kind of order in the mess..
It was all very very wrong,
I wanted to be one of Jerome's things,
I wanted to be picked up.. and put down.. again and again
I wanted to be treated by his hands..
according to some sophisticated principle that I didn't understand.

- His strong hands?

Yes, but it was no longer just about his hands,
it was as if everything about him was different.
Which of course it wasn't,
and I knew that in my head,
and I scolded myself for seeing him in this new light.

- Love is blind.

No no no it's worse, love distorts things,
or even worse.. Love is something you've never asked for.
The erotic was something I asked for
or even demanded of men.
But this idiotic love, I felt humiliated by it,
and all the dishonesty that follows.
The erotic is about saying yes,
love appeals to the lowest instincts wrapped up in lies.
How to say yes when you mean no,
and vice versa.

I'm ashamed of what I became,
but it was beyond my control.

NYMPHOMANIAC VOL. I